Did You Take Your Pills?

When I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the world I knew caved underneath my feet. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again…I was terrified. As soon as my doctor said those two magic words, I tuned her right out. Before I knew it, she was listing me numerous types of medications. She sent me on my way with a prescription for Lithium. Everything was going so fast and I couldn’t hold onto anything.

The pills worked. They gave me a much needed break from riding the roller coaster ride of hell. I have never felt so calm in my entire life, I felt like a brand new person. Is this what it feels like to be “normal”? If so, then I envy you. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I felt like I didn’t need them anymore. Everybody around me kept telling me “NO! You need to stay on them! They are there to help you!” But I didn’t listen. It didn’t matter what anybody told me. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be on them anymore, and I wasn’t about to let anybody tell me what to do anymore.

Looking back, I think I just needed time to process everything. Everything had happened so fast, I wasn’t given the chance to take a minute and breathe. I snapped. I lost my job and a month later, my apartment. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me except for the friend I moved in with. Because of that stunt, my counselor filed a missing person report on me. When I found that out, I was so angry. All I wanted was time to be left alone and this is what I got? My thinking was so irrational at the time, all I could think was how angry and betrayed I felt.

Eventually I was able to fix things with my support team, but things weren’t going so well at home. I was constantly feeling so high and so low. I couldn’t find a level ground. I guess it didn’t help that I was using quite a bit then. Things at home went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. I was relying so much on my friend to help hold me up, that we eventually both crashed to the ground. In other words, I destroyed the friendship I had with her because of how weak I was.

After that, I made a drunken decision to move about six hours away. To this day, I am really happy I made that drunken decision. Living in a town where nobody knew me, I was able to figure things out. I got myself a job and quit doing drugs. Unfortunately, I was still drinking. Self medication, anyone? Friends and family still don’t know the reason why I moved, but now the internet knows the truth.

I am so thankful I spent last Christmas with my extended family because they played a huge role in my acceptance of having Bipolar Disorder. Without realizing it, they truly did help me. In a world full of judgmental people, it dawned on me that I’m not alone. There are other people out there going through the same thing as me. That it’s completely okay to take medication, because it’s not my fault I have a mood disorder. I didn’t ask for this. With the right tools and a healthy support system, I know I can manage this. I know that one day, I will be okay.

I just needed to figure it out on my own.

Much Love,
C

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Starving Artist

My mom once asked me why I stopped writing. At the time, I didn’t have much of an answer. I couldn’t quite tell her that I was too busy snorting up drugs and drinking my problems away. I resorted to giving her a small shrug and a simple “I don’t know.” My world was such a fog back then, I had no idea that I was no longer my parent’s daughter. In my mind, I didn’t change. I claimed myself to be an artist and a writer. I had all of these projects in my head, but nothing to show in front of me. I had zero motivation to do the things I used to love doing and knew damn well that I was good at it. I can blame my addictions all I want, but deep down, that was only a small percentage of the problem.

I always tell people, don’t settle for anything! Fight for the life you want to give yourself! Dream on little dreamer! I am a big believer in following your dreams. There is so much more out there for you to discover, why settle for less? Turns out, I never took my own advice. Whatever door was in front of my face, I would open that one instead of looking at other options. Thus meaning I had built such a toxic environment for myself, I ended up trapping myself mentally, physically, and financially. I had no one to blame but myself. The life I knew had somehow slipped away leaving me to fumble around in the dark.

I quit my job a few days ago. Just like that. Boom, at the snap of my fingers. I woke up one day and knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t place myself physically in an environment, where it drained me mentally, and didn’t help me financially. Everyday I would go home so exhausted and so beaten down. More often than not, I would find myself curled up in bed reading a book wishing that I was the author. That could be me I would think to myself. I could be a New York Times Best Seller or the new JK Rowlings. Instead of doing anything about it, I would continue being sad while reading the book. I couldn’t find it anywhere in me to pick up a pen and start scrawling out an unwritten story.

Financially, my life will be a bit tough for a while. I won’t be able to go out as much, but if it’s to help me mentally, I know that I will be okay. Sometimes you have to make a risky move in order to find your happiness. I won’t lie, I’m a tad bit nervous about doing this, but already I feel so much lighter. I don’t feel so suffocated anymore. I’m not waking up everyday wondering if I’m going to make it through the day. Instead, I feel like a baby taking their very first steps. I’m curious to find out whats right around the corner. I’m once again hopeful for the future.

Yesterday, my best advice was to never settle for less. Today, my best advice is that it’s never too late. Even if you are age seventy wishing you can start up your own business. What is stopping you? Your age? Your insecurities? Society? Don’t let anything stop you. Get out there and show everybody what you are made of.

 

Much love

C

I’m Happy For You, Really

Last night I tweeted about my best friend telling me some great news concerning her future with her spouse. I know I should be happy for her, but I couldn’t help but feel this huge pain of envy and sadness. Two ugly words together, not my kind of tea. A small part of me was jumping up and down, screaming for her happiness…but the rest of me wasn’t having it.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with what I felt. Because I’m sure at some point she felt the exact same way towards me. We both are on our own path’s in life. Our timeline is not a race. We are not sprinting to the finish line. We both have our own goals and we motivate each other closer to success.

So last night, I respected my feelings and allowed myself to sulk in bed while watching my favourite TV show. Self care…she’s my other best friend. And that is something I will FOREVER continuously promote. I spent a few hours soaking in these feelings while giving myself a pep talk.

“You’re doing great, girl. You have come so damn far. A few years ago you were so broken, and now you are so full of light and positive energy. Don’t give up now.”

I kept saying positive reinforcements like this to myself, instead of letting myself sink down lower and lower. I reminded myself of all my personal accomplishments. From getting my own apartment to having a steady job. I may not own my first home yet or have my dream job, but a few years ago I was homeless and jobless. I may not be where I want to be, but I am slowly getting there.

Tell yourself that. You may not be where you want to be, but you are slowly getting there.

Don’t give up now.

Hello, It’s Me.

I was originally going to post only creative writing pieces on my blog, which is mostly true. But I thought it would be alright if I wrote a post about whatever every now and then. Get to know the author, y’know?

So yeah, it’s me. Some of you already know me from my Twitter account, and some of you don’t. For those of you who don’t…the main purpose of my blog is for you to follow my journey with Bipolar Disorder. Because let’s face it, my diagnosis has become a huge focus in my life. No, I don’t let it consume me every second of the day. I do have other things going on in my life that helps balance it out. But it is most definitely a big enough factor in my life where I do blog about it, I go to counselling for it and I have changed my lifestyle for it.

Somewhere out there, I know that there are many people struggling with a new diagnosis for a mental health disorder. Whether it be Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia. I know that each person with whatever new diagnosis they got, are struggling with the idea of it. More than anything, they probably feel really alone. No matter if they’ve got a great support system or not. Society has made so many false truths about mental disorders, how can we not feel alone?

I guess this post goes out to anybody who is struggling right now. I get what you’re going through. It’s tough. I literally went through the five stages of grief with it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and a few years later, acceptance. As much as I hate having this illness, I had to come to terms with it.

This is my life now, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be successful.

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