Did You Take Your Pills?

When I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the world I knew caved underneath my feet. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again…I was terrified. As soon as my doctor said those two magic words, I tuned her right out. Before I knew it, she was listing me numerous types of medications. She sent me on my way with a prescription for Lithium. Everything was going so fast and I couldn’t hold onto anything.

The pills worked. They gave me a much needed break from riding the roller coaster ride of hell. I have never felt so calm in my entire life, I felt like a brand new person. Is this what it feels like to be “normal”? If so, then I envy you. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I felt like I didn’t need them anymore. Everybody around me kept telling me “NO! You need to stay on them! They are there to help you!” But I didn’t listen. It didn’t matter what anybody told me. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be on them anymore, and I wasn’t about to let anybody tell me what to do anymore.

Looking back, I think I just needed time to process everything. Everything had happened so fast, I wasn’t given the chance to take a minute and breathe. I snapped. I lost my job and a month later, my apartment. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me except for the friend I moved in with. Because of that stunt, my counselor filed a missing person report on me. When I found that out, I was so angry. All I wanted was time to be left alone and this is what I got? My thinking was so irrational at the time, all I could think was how angry and betrayed I felt.

Eventually I was able to fix things with my support team, but things weren’t going so well at home. I was constantly feeling so high and so low. I couldn’t find a level ground. I guess it didn’t help that I was using quite a bit then. Things at home went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. I was relying so much on my friend to help hold me up, that we eventually both crashed to the ground. In other words, I destroyed the friendship I had with her because of how weak I was.

After that, I made a drunken decision to move about six hours away. To this day, I am really happy I made that drunken decision. Living in a town where nobody knew me, I was able to figure things out. I got myself a job and quit doing drugs. Unfortunately, I was still drinking. Self medication, anyone? Friends and family still don’t know the reason why I moved, but now the internet knows the truth.

I am so thankful I spent last Christmas with my extended family because they played a huge role in my acceptance of having Bipolar Disorder. Without realizing it, they truly did help me. In a world full of judgmental people, it dawned on me that I’m not alone. There are other people out there going through the same thing as me. That it’s completely okay to take medication, because it’s not my fault I have a mood disorder. I didn’t ask for this. With the right tools and a healthy support system, I know I can manage this. I know that one day, I will be okay.

I just needed to figure it out on my own.

Much Love,


Baby, I’m Addicted To You.

I have sold things for cocaine.

I have done sexual favours for cocaine.

Definitely not some of my proudest moments. I look back and cringe. What kind of monster was I back then? My parents used to be so proud of me. I may have not been an honour roll student, but I had such a kind heart and always went out of my way to help people. I’m not saying I lost that part of me, but cocaine definitely clouded my judgement and made me lose my way one too many times.

What’s that saying? Oh, yeah. Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

I can proudly say that I have been clean from drugs for over a year now. Somewhere along the line in my drug induced days, I found the strength to clean myself up. There was no intervention or threats of throwing me into rehab involved. All it took was me. I looked back and knew that wasn’t who I wanted to be. It took everything in me to become clean. And when I say everything, I mean that it took me to move away from the city to a different town. There, I had no friends nor ‘connections’. I was able to start fresh.

In a way, this was my version of rehab. Seven hours away from home, I picked up a job and stayed in a sobriety house. There, I gained a second family and started finding myself again. The first few months were fine. I kept my nose cleaned and focused on rebuilding myself. But then something in me broke. I started craving escape, freedom, the desire to forget it all. All it took was one bottle of wine to lose everything I had built.

I never did go back to cocaine, or any sort of drug for that matter. I didn’t want to bring that darkness back into my life. But that one bottle of wine, turned into hundreds of bottles later. I was a drunken mess pretty much every night, absently watching whatever was on T.V. No matter how sick it made me feel the next day, it didn’t matter. It was those few hours that I found my bliss.

My Mom told me from the get go that there was no secret. From the past I had, more than likely I had an addictive personality. I took her words seriously for the longest time, because y’know, I was a good girl. The amount of times neighbours and family friends praised my parents on how great I was, I could’ve been nominated for Canada’s Sweetheart…if that’s a thing. I had everything that I ever wanted, but all it took was one wrong move for me to lose it all.

For the past month now, I’ve been dreaming of a better me. A 100% clean version of me that drinks tea 24/7 and is a yogi master surrounded by cats and books. I may be struggling right now, but I know that within time, I will be that girl. I will be that girl who would rather drink a hot cup of tea and read a good book instead of blacking out in a bar. I will be that girl who is strong enough to give herself the life she deserves. I will be that girl that soon enough I’ll be able to hear my parents say once again ‘that’s my girl.’

Somewhere deep down inside of me I found the strength to kick cocaine to the curb, and I know that somewhere in this messy mind of mine, I can do that with alcohol too.


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