Did You Take Your Pills?

When I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the world I knew caved underneath my feet. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again…I was terrified. As soon as my doctor said those two magic words, I tuned her right out. Before I knew it, she was listing me numerous types of medications. She sent me on my way with a prescription for Lithium. Everything was going so fast and I couldn’t hold onto anything.

The pills worked. They gave me a much needed break from riding the roller coaster ride of hell. I have never felt so calm in my entire life, I felt like a brand new person. Is this what it feels like to be “normal”? If so, then I envy you. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I felt like I didn’t need them anymore. Everybody around me kept telling me “NO! You need to stay on them! They are there to help you!” But I didn’t listen. It didn’t matter what anybody told me. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be on them anymore, and I wasn’t about to let anybody tell me what to do anymore.

Looking back, I think I just needed time to process everything. Everything had happened so fast, I wasn’t given the chance to take a minute and breathe. I snapped. I lost my job and a month later, my apartment. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me except for the friend I moved in with. Because of that stunt, my counselor filed a missing person report on me. When I found that out, I was so angry. All I wanted was time to be left alone and this is what I got? My thinking was so irrational at the time, all I could think was how angry and betrayed I felt.

Eventually I was able to fix things with my support team, but things weren’t going so well at home. I was constantly feeling so high and so low. I couldn’t find a level ground. I guess it didn’t help that I was using quite a bit then. Things at home went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. I was relying so much on my friend to help hold me up, that we eventually both crashed to the ground. In other words, I destroyed the friendship I had with her because of how weak I was.

After that, I made a drunken decision to move about six hours away. To this day, I am really happy I made that drunken decision. Living in a town where nobody knew me, I was able to figure things out. I got myself a job and quit doing drugs. Unfortunately, I was still drinking. Self medication, anyone? Friends and family still don’t know the reason why I moved, but now the internet knows the truth.

I am so thankful I spent last Christmas with my extended family because they played a huge role in my acceptance of having Bipolar Disorder. Without realizing it, they truly did help me. In a world full of judgmental people, it dawned on me that I’m not alone. There are other people out there going through the same thing as me. That it’s completely okay to take medication, because it’s not my fault I have a mood disorder. I didn’t ask for this. With the right tools and a healthy support system, I know I can manage this. I know that one day, I will be okay.

I just needed to figure it out on my own.

Much Love,
C

Advertisements

Friends In Low Places

“They want to see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.”

When I posted on my Facebook account about me starting my sobriety journey, I had this enormous wave of support from family, friends and acquaintances. I had people telling me how proud they were of me to start this journey. That it takes a lot of strength to do this on my own. Sadly, I also had ‘friends’ tell me that I don’t have to completely quit. A few drinks here and there are okay to have. I shouldn’t feel the need to quit. And yes, somebody actually told me that. I shouldn’t feel the need to quit? I might not need to, but maybe I want to.

I guess maybe it is a shock to some of my ‘friends’ on why I started this journey. The only person I talked to about it before becoming public was my counselor. Funny enough, even she didn’t take it seriously. Some people, when they become intoxicated have a tendency to post all over social media about their wild shenanigans. I used to be that person, until drinking became an ugly habit of mine. Instead of forgetting my problems for only the weekend, it became the whole damn week. I would wake up, go to work, go to the liquor store, go home and drown my demons away. It wasn’t even a habit anymore, it became a routine.

I never told anybody because I was so ashamed of myself. Who had I become? What happened to that girl next door who everybody admired? Somehow I let that part of me slip away and it’s been downhill ever since. I got so consumed with alcohol, I had no idea how much pain I was causing to family and friends. I was so busy escaping the mess I made of myself, that I simply didn’t care anymore. It got to the point where I was completely okay with becoming the town’s drunk.

I don’t know what changed in my life. Maybe it was the phone call with my brother or maybe I was taking way too many trips down memory lane. Either way, something changed in my life where I knew I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I didn’t want to keep poisoning my liver to run away from my demons for a few hours. I didn’t want to keep embarrassing my family with the path I had chosen for myself. Deep down I knew that the only person who could save me, was myself.

All of this, none of my close friends knew about it. My excessive drinking was my dirty little secret. I was too ashamed of it. For the past week I had few ‘friends’ message me, wanting to know why I started this journey. But I knew that these ‘friends’ wouldn’t care for the real answer. They were just sad to see that part of me go.  These were the friends that lived on the fast lane with me. Going somewhere at such a high reckoning speed that you just don’t know how to stop. They were fun friends to have for a while, but they are not the friends I need right now.

This was a huge lesson I learned over the weekend. They are not bad people by all means, but we are on different journey’s now. Surrounding myself with them will make my recovery even harder. I can only wish the best for them on whatever path in life they decide to take later on.

Till next time,

C

Baby, I’m Addicted To You.

I have sold things for cocaine.

I have done sexual favours for cocaine.

Definitely not some of my proudest moments. I look back and cringe. What kind of monster was I back then? My parents used to be so proud of me. I may have not been an honour roll student, but I had such a kind heart and always went out of my way to help people. I’m not saying I lost that part of me, but cocaine definitely clouded my judgement and made me lose my way one too many times.

What’s that saying? Oh, yeah. Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

I can proudly say that I have been clean from drugs for over a year now. Somewhere along the line in my drug induced days, I found the strength to clean myself up. There was no intervention or threats of throwing me into rehab involved. All it took was me. I looked back and knew that wasn’t who I wanted to be. It took everything in me to become clean. And when I say everything, I mean that it took me to move away from the city to a different town. There, I had no friends nor ‘connections’. I was able to start fresh.

In a way, this was my version of rehab. Seven hours away from home, I picked up a job and stayed in a sobriety house. There, I gained a second family and started finding myself again. The first few months were fine. I kept my nose cleaned and focused on rebuilding myself. But then something in me broke. I started craving escape, freedom, the desire to forget it all. All it took was one bottle of wine to lose everything I had built.

I never did go back to cocaine, or any sort of drug for that matter. I didn’t want to bring that darkness back into my life. But that one bottle of wine, turned into hundreds of bottles later. I was a drunken mess pretty much every night, absently watching whatever was on T.V. No matter how sick it made me feel the next day, it didn’t matter. It was those few hours that I found my bliss.

My Mom told me from the get go that there was no secret. From the past I had, more than likely I had an addictive personality. I took her words seriously for the longest time, because y’know, I was a good girl. The amount of times neighbours and family friends praised my parents on how great I was, I could’ve been nominated for Canada’s Sweetheart…if that’s a thing. I had everything that I ever wanted, but all it took was one wrong move for me to lose it all.

For the past month now, I’ve been dreaming of a better me. A 100% clean version of me that drinks tea 24/7 and is a yogi master surrounded by cats and books. I may be struggling right now, but I know that within time, I will be that girl. I will be that girl who would rather drink a hot cup of tea and read a good book instead of blacking out in a bar. I will be that girl who is strong enough to give herself the life she deserves. I will be that girl that soon enough I’ll be able to hear my parents say once again ‘that’s my girl.’

Somewhere deep down inside of me I found the strength to kick cocaine to the curb, and I know that somewhere in this messy mind of mine, I can do that with alcohol too.

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑