Did You Take Your Pills?

When I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the world I knew caved underneath my feet. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again…I was terrified. As soon as my doctor said those two magic words, I tuned her right out. Before I knew it, she was listing me numerous types of medications. She sent me on my way with a prescription for Lithium. Everything was going so fast and I couldn’t hold onto anything.

The pills worked. They gave me a much needed break from riding the roller coaster ride of hell. I have never felt so calm in my entire life, I felt like a brand new person. Is this what it feels like to be “normal”? If so, then I envy you. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I felt like I didn’t need them anymore. Everybody around me kept telling me “NO! You need to stay on them! They are there to help you!” But I didn’t listen. It didn’t matter what anybody told me. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be on them anymore, and I wasn’t about to let anybody tell me what to do anymore.

Looking back, I think I just needed time to process everything. Everything had happened so fast, I wasn’t given the chance to take a minute and breathe. I snapped. I lost my job and a month later, my apartment. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me except for the friend I moved in with. Because of that stunt, my counselor filed a missing person report on me. When I found that out, I was so angry. All I wanted was time to be left alone and this is what I got? My thinking was so irrational at the time, all I could think was how angry and betrayed I felt.

Eventually I was able to fix things with my support team, but things weren’t going so well at home. I was constantly feeling so high and so low. I couldn’t find a level ground. I guess it didn’t help that I was using quite a bit then. Things at home went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. I was relying so much on my friend to help hold me up, that we eventually both crashed to the ground. In other words, I destroyed the friendship I had with her because of how weak I was.

After that, I made a drunken decision to move about six hours away. To this day, I am really happy I made that drunken decision. Living in a town where nobody knew me, I was able to figure things out. I got myself a job and quit doing drugs. Unfortunately, I was still drinking. Self medication, anyone? Friends and family still don’t know the reason why I moved, but now the internet knows the truth.

I am so thankful I spent last Christmas with my extended family because they played a huge role in my acceptance of having Bipolar Disorder. Without realizing it, they truly did help me. In a world full of judgmental people, it dawned on me that I’m not alone. There are other people out there going through the same thing as me. That it’s completely okay to take medication, because it’s not my fault I have a mood disorder. I didn’t ask for this. With the right tools and a healthy support system, I know I can manage this. I know that one day, I will be okay.

I just needed to figure it out on my own.

Much Love,
C

Advertisements

Lights, Camera, Action

We have movies like Girl Interrupted, Donnie Darko, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest etc. All of them a timeless classic and each pertaining to a mental illness of some sort. Hollywood is known and praised for their huge blockbuster hits, but when it comes to shining light on mental disorders, things can get a bit sour. I’m sorry Hollywood. You have created some of my favourite movies, but it’s true. You give us people with mental disorders a bad reputation.

I was inspired to write this post after watching Shameless (US version). While watching it, I got a bit nervous when they introduced Monica (a character with bipolar). I had already fallen in love with the show, and suddenly I felt that they were about to destroy the show for me. Turns out, they didn’t. I don’t relate to Monica, whatsoever. But there have been times where I’ve been on the same level of mania high as her. It got to the point where the show made me sad, really sad. This is me…I can see myself in her. The drugs, the alcohol, the recklessness. That may not be me now, but I used to be her.

Things took a turn when her son, Ian Gallagher, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His portrayal of somebody with bipolar disorder was so raw and honest, it spoke the truth. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe we are starting to win the fight of breaking the stigmas. Yes, he has his bad days, but don’t we all? Only when we have our bad days, they are a bit more harsh. We are capable of doing anything we want too, it just may take us a little while longer to get there.

By far, this is my favourite monologue in Shameless.

“Bullshit. What do you think I should’ve done? Would you have hired me if I had checked that box that said I had a mental illness? What kind of choice is that? Tell the truth, you don’t get the job. Lie…maybe they’ll never find out, what would you do? You’d lie.”

I have high, high hopes of the future when it comes to mental health awareness. The more we push and talk about, hopefully society will start to understand that it’s so much more than majority of blockbuster hits.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑